A
friend of mine called me this morning. We discussed the issue of telling your
partner about your past late into last night. So he asked me "you've
argued that it's better to put your past out there for your partner to see and
come to terms with, but what happens if the said issue is not in the past? What
if you made a mistake and it's not something you're going to repeat? There's no
leverage of them saying it's in the past so they know you've changed. Why mess
up a smooth relationship because of one mistake?"
I've
discovered over the years that this question my friend asked me is something
people ask themselves and friends everyday. Someone i know even tagged it
"when truth gets too truthful". It's important to know that we're
humans, hence,imperfect and liable to disappoint ourselves and others and we
should not kill ourselves for these disappointments but it's important to learn
from them and become more responsible.
I
know that mistakes we make in relationships and marriages differ, from as
hurtful as sexual mistakes to mistakes as grave as investment decisions but
i'll focus on sexual mistakes, knowing that the principles of dealing with them
are similar if not the same. So you might not have cheated on your partner but
you might have just told your friend what was supposed to be a secret strictly
between you and your partner. Whichever is the case, there's always a way out.
I
used to know a young lady who was in a relationship with this guy, i'll name
them Victor and Grace so as not to make this abstract. Grace and Victor seemed
like the perfect couple to anyone observing, but in the privacy of their
bedroom, there was always "fire on the mountain". You see, Victor was
grace's first serious relationship and i think she had a problem with sex. She
would go out, meet guys and for reasons best known to her, end up having sex
with them. Afterwards, she would call up Victor and tell him. Ofcourse, hurt
and angry, he'd break up with her, only to take her back after she begs,
sometimes before she even did because he loved her.
Suffice
to say that the relationship ended when Grace asked to break up, she realised
she had a problem and she needed to work on it. They broke up but remained
friends. Two years down the line Grace finds out that Victor had been cheating
too and she was gravely hurt even though they were both now with different
people. She cheated on him but his cheating still hurt her, two years and a new
relationship down the line. Ofcourse, it changed her perception of him badly. I
mean, who hides something that huge? right?
We
all know however, that people hide things like this everyday. We may argue that
this case is different and it'll ruin the relationship or marriage and our
arguement may be right but let's think about it for a minute, even people that
cheat hate being cheated on,so if you turn the tables around it might help you
make your decision. Also what happened now will soon be part of your past and
we all agree that the past has an interesting way of resurfacing.
So,
no matter what your bad decision is, it's been shown that it's better to let
your partner know, if they can deal with it, they'll stay, if they can't, isn't
it better to know now than 3 years down the line when you'll both have invested
more in the relationship.
Please i will be expecting your questions, comments and suggestions.
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